Fixed incomes are weird

I'm not on a fixed income yet, but I'm not working at the moment so it kind of feels that way. In the spirit of saving a buck here and there, I have decided to repurpose things I buy and don't like. For instance, we all buy conditioner. Don't like it on your hair? Use it on your gorgeous bod in the shower. Shampoo too drying? Use it to shave your legs. Memo pads? Turn them over and use both sides. Facial moisturizer too oily? Use it on your hands and feet. Of course, you can always return this stuff, but I try to be a good sport.

Food can be repurposed as well. Cats don't like the dry food? Screw em. Just kidding. You can use cat food and/or kitty litter to get your car out of an icy driveway. Expensive, but hey, if they're not eating it— and if you want to get really cheap, use their hair to stuff needlepoint pillows. They'll hate that.

There's an off-brand use for everything. Mayo as hair conditioner, sexual lubricant instead of WD 40, olive oil for your complexion, etc. Age has some benefits. After years of retail therapy we have lots of crap around the house. If all else fails, use it to shave your legs.

Television is Weird

I am a child of television - have been all my life. From Huckleberry Hound to Peyton Place to Law & Order, I've watched a lot of TV. To compound the addiction, it became my vocation. For many years I mixed local news audio at some pretty high end TV stations ( and a few low end ones - you know who you are.) Now that I am not working at the moment, I have time to reflect on television and the impact it has had on society. Some author once call TV the cool fire - a place the family sat around instead of the fireplace, and watched Lucy and Ethel plan their schemes. So much has changed.

I believe TV is responsible for the downfall of our society. People watch things, then reenact them. Before TV, kids could play on the street by themselves. No more, because someone has seen too much kidnapping on the tube and gets an idea. The news used to tell the news. Now it's full of assholic opinions, which make their way to the streets. People incite each other, they fight, they die. Sex has become mainstream on TV. I remember in the old days the camera would pan away. Now it stays so we can see all the grappling. Why? Who needs it? It is bad for kids, legitimizing the act. They see and they do. They sext. They video themselves. No one did this before TV. Sure, Bobby Soxers had sex, but discretely. Economically, TV has made us all one small world. What goes on in China is seen here 90 seconds later, causing panic. We do not need this.

Television has caused entropy in this country. Of course, this is only one person's opinion, and I don't mean to sound like the Unabomber, but I feel this to be true. It's certainly been the cause of much entropy in my life. I use TV as a drug. I watch Law & Orders I've watched 20 times before. I seldom read. I DVR most everything. I have the TV on for noise while I needlepoint. When I feel lonely, TV is a voice.

I miss the cool fire. I didn't grow up during radio days, but I wish I had. I might have developed a more visual imagination. I would have gotten some reading done. I wish I didn't know so much bad stuff. There is now a study that claims watching local news can cause cancer, because people feel they have no control over events. While I'm not sure this makes sense (people get their news in other places as well), I hope I got out in time. Of course, if I got a job offer, I'd jump back in posthaste. I'm just sayin'.

Unemployment is weird

The first time I blogged in, January 2010, I'd been out of work for a few weeks. I never thought it would last this long. And the funny thing is, it isn't about age, because I don't ever get that far. Once you're in, you have to show your license (I find a little Whiteout over the birthdate helps), but I haven't gotten in the door yet to be scrutinized. Well, actually I have. I worked four days last year. These employers did see my birthdate before I thought up the Whiteout trick. Did this make a difference? I'm a freelancer, so they don't have to call me back, and I'll never know why. Was I too old, working with all these 20 and 30 somethings? Did I suck at my job? Will I get another job?

I remember the 1980s, when people said you were washed out at fifty. But I also remember in the 80's when Lancome dumped Isabella Rosellini as a model when she turned forty. Things have changed. Diane Keaton is doing cosmetic print ads now, in her sixties. Hopefully, I will be able to get work because of my skills, and it won't matter that I'm over fifty. Why should it? Older workers appreciate the work more, are better at it, and are absent less often due to partying.

It's amazing how quickly you get used to not working. You can sleep in, stay up late like the teenager you once were, and watch lots of TV.  But there's a down side. Besides not making an income, my cats are getting really tired of me, and I of them. They eat too damn much, Vi has allergies which are costing me a fortune, and they have no thumbs - or else I'd send them out to find work.

I need a job to feel useful and validated. I need to feel needed and wanted. I realize that even when I get called in to work, no one really gives a shit about me. I'm replaceable. But there's the illusion of need (if only for a day), and it feels so good. I'm too young to retire. I have no money for travel. I want to work. I want to mix news audio like I have for 25 years. I don't want to reinvent myself. I like myself the way I am. I want to work.

Jake

The last time I blogged, I had just had coffee with my stepson Jake. He seemed a bit amped up, but he was so happy to see me. It was the last time I will ever see him. In May he passed away, an accidental overdose, I hear. I went to California and watched as he was lowered into the ground. Just 18, about to graduate high school. He had recently closed his first real estate deal.

All his little friends were graveside, some throwing their AA and NA chips onto his casket. Too many chips. Too many drugs. I found out one of his former classmates Lena had OD'd in January and is buried in the same cemetery. She was really cool. So was Jake. Too cool for this life. I hope they are together laughing at us - or perhaps they are on our shoulders, like the angels they were. Rock and roll, Jakie, and be sure to say hi to John and George for me.

Eighteen is weird

Yesterday I had coffee with my stepson Jake. He's eighteen. When I met him he was seven. How is it that I still feel eighteen and sort of wanted to jump his bones? Not really, but he's awfully cute. As long as I don't look in the mirror I'm still eighteen. When I pass guys in their 30s and even 40s, I am attracted to some. And some even look twice at me. But that's not my reality. My reality is dating guys my age and I don't feel attracted to most of them. In my dreams I am younger, have long, shiny hair and am attractive to younger guys. Some of them look through me in real life. But Jake seemed happy to see me. In whatever way, it still felt good.

Time is Weird

Seems like it was just my birthday. Then Halloween. Then Christmas. And now the Valentines are on display at CVS. Time is moving too quickly. Retailers may be rushing the seasons, but time is flying by besides. I wonder why it does so as we age. Perhaps because we live routine lives? But isn't it routine when you're a kid as well? School, homework, a play date here and there. It truly is a mystery, but it seems a cruel one. I'd love to wish winter away, but by doing that I'm wishing away two months of my life. Kids can afford this. I cannot. So I try to appreciate each day despite the weather because I know spring will be here before long, and then summer, and then my birthday. Whoosh! It's dizzying.

Progress is Weird

I have too many damn passwords. Up until the arrival of the Internet I had just one - my ATM password. Now I have several pages of them in all shapes and sizes. Some are variations of that very first password, and some have felines involved. I need to look them up each time I need them. Do I really need a password to order something on line? If I order a jigsaw puzzle do I really need an account? Come on people! Don't take yourselves so seriously. You aren't banks or drugstores, you are merchants. All you need is my mailing address.

There are many progressive things that I love - my Mac (though we're in a fight right now), my Blackberry, the Net. But was it so bad before we had these things? So we weren't in constant contact with others. But we had answering machines that we could check remotely. We had electric typewriters with white-out tape. At least we weren't bumping into people in the street or getting hit by cars while texting. And what's with texting? How do grown men use those tiny little qwerty keyboards? Why can't we just talk?

One thing I do wish we'd had when I was a teen is cell phones. That way I wouldn't have had to sit home all day waiting for a phone call from a boy. Now I sit at Starbucks all day checking my email on the Blackberry. Progress, or just a new normal?